Cheop Has Shakespearean Fit!

O! Can it be that I am chicken livered (...mmmhhh...chicken liver...) and lack gall to make oppression bitter?

Zounds! I do blench at yon black kitten who so boldly takes liberty avec my personne. How I do know that I must claw him unto death lest he unseat me in my mighty office. And yet why is't I am so remiss in this my disciplinarianan duty of smacking him. He doth taunt me and, yea, eateth off my own plateth, and I, I who am a mighty warrior of catdom, I to whom the HUMANS kneel, I who hold sway o'er at least one or two other cats, I do not raise my paw, but address the dickens as "Dickens" and mewl unto him gentle sweetnesses: "How art thou, small cat?", "Hot day, yes?", and "Wouldst thou like to eat some Kitty Kaviar. It is made of fish flakes, don't you know." Does it befit a mighty cat of war to so befriend this runtish foe? By Bast and the Sphinx, I think my warrior blood has cool-ed to curdled clots of cat yack and my sickle claws bend and bow like unto little plasticky things that just aren't sharp.

I must be firm of purpose, and turn to adamantine my fur-bound soul. Yea, for he is a vile interloper and would undo me, and so would by now have done, were't not for my dogged vig'lance--O! Dogged! That it has come to this! That I now must make like Argus, that watchdog of Matron Hera, ever fearful of treach'rous machination like a jealous lover, forced by fate to lay aside my Nemean destiny! Aye, to't I shall go! I shall be cruel, but not wanton. I shall do what must be done and will smite him till he doth cry "Hold! Enough! Let me depart!" Yea, this is my firm intent. My course is set. Would the night were come!

Cheop of Denmark

Vladia's Favorite Movies

My 10 Favorite Movies:

1.) "The Cat From Outer Space" (1978)
2.) "Cat People" (1942)
3.) "The Great Escape" (1963)
4.) "The Jungle Book" (1967)
5.) "The Life Of Birds" (1998) series by David Attenborough
6.) "Microcosmos" (1996)
7.) "Octopussy" (1983)
8.) "Oliver!" (1968)
9.) "Saturday Night Fever" (1977)
10.) "Thundercats" (1985), tv series

Sri Lanka Artwork

...meyarr...mep ...

("artwork I did" * )


* translation by Vladia Velocicat

CHEOP POISONED! (but unhurt)

To: KittyNet Intelligence (37.hpell-mork)
From: Cheop (id#code-33668.8j)

Vladia Velocicat's allegations are absurd. Just absurd. And not really worth commenting on.

However, yesterday afternoon, only hours after these pictures were snapped, I was witnessed by bystanders feline and human to vomit on the carpet voluminously--and I mean VOLUMINOUSLY. It is an awful thing to accuse someone of poisoning, but how much more awful it is to carry out the poisoning of one's superior officer. I'm sure that continuous study of the so-called "scandalous" (ha, ha, ha!) photos will help to conclusively identify the poisoner and be essential in bringing him (or her) to justice.

Please consider, for example:



Know that I am available any time of day--except between the napping hours of 7am - 9am and 1pm - 4pm and 8pm - 10pm--for any questions you may have about the poisoning.

Yours, etc.,

CHEOP THE CAT

CHEOP HYPOCRISY SCANDAL!?

To: KittyNet Intelligence (37.hpedd-mork)/(PRIORITY)
From: Vladia Velocicat (id#code-34748.8h)

As you know, Commander Cheop the Cat has repeatedly in the past weeks roundly condemned the arrival of the kitten "Dickens" as a threat to mission security and has repeatedly criticized the training plan presented for Dickens by KittyNet and implemented by my fabulous self. He also has referred to the new recruit in the harshest possible words. I here list examples.

He has called Dickens, and I quote directly:

"fluff-chinned daisy-hearted stinky and evil black kitten"

"The MONSTER!"

"intruder"

"the evil, villainous, odious and monstrous small new black cat"

"the new small, meowing, awful, little, smelly, treacherous black kitten"

Also Cheop has referred to my mentoring-ship of Kitty Dickens as "her unhealthy and unwholesome and almost certainly treasonous relationship with the new and dangerous interloper".

It will come as a great surprise then to the KittyNet command and control structure--certainly it was a great shock to us here--to see the following pictures, taken on the afternoon of Saturday, July 23.

The pictures would seem to show a point of view different from that presented by Cheop to us here. I am not an expert in image analysis, but even a cursory examination of the photos indicates at least a comradeship, if not friendly feeling between these two--ostensibly--bitter enemies.

I don't know. Perhaps I am wrong in expecting a consistent security policy from my commanding officer. But, of course, it is not up to me to make policy. That I leave in your capable and expert paws.

Thank you, sirs, for your attention to this matter,

--VLADIA V.

Other Evaluations

I don't know what Vladia is trying to imply by posting my old Basic Cat Training grades. The only thing I can glean from it is that in my day evaluations were tough and honest, and these days any old fluff-chinned daisy-hearted stinky and evil black kitten can stroll into top level slots at KittyNet without knowing a cat tree from a tree cat. Well, two can play at that game, soldier!!

I too have submitted a Meowdom of Information Act request:

To COMMANDER CHEOP THE CAT:

Per your Meowdom of Information Request #3890mh, attached is a copy of the Specialty Training - Basic Strategy & Tactics grades for CHEOP THE CAT (KittyNet form 32/euk74 - id4s.mhmeorw.mew.2487):

LECTURE:

Strategic Planning & Pre-planning: A
History of Combat: B
Sun Tzu & von Clawswitz: A-
Sneak Attacks 101: A-
Sneak Attacks 314: A
Greece & Rome in War: B+
Attila & His Methods: A+
Psychological Warfare: A+
Nocturnal Combat: A+

LAB - PERFORMANCE EVAL.:

Stealth: A-
Ruthlessness: A+
Savagery: A
Cunning: A+
Ambush: A

---

Glad to help,

"Lulu"
KittyNet Records Office
id#863-hdt.myar3

Read 'em and weep,

--COMMANDER Cheop

Sri Lanka Hair

Some of my hair is this color:

Cmdr. Cheop Evaluation

In the interest of fairness--and, as the humans like to say, "transparency"--I have transmitted a request to KittyNet Records Office and have received back, to my satisfaction, the following reply:

To VLADIA VELOCICAT:

Per your Meowdom of Information Request #2978hh, attached is a copy of the Basic Cat Training grades for CHEOP THE CAT (KittyNet form 32/euk74 - id4s.hhmeorw.mew.2302d):

GENERAL

Climbing skills: C
Running skills: B
Creeping & stalking: B+
Problem solving: A

COMPULSORY MANEUVERS

Vertical leap: D
Inverted kick: B+
Stationary tackle: A
Running tackle: B
Standing swat: A
Vertical ("tree") sprint: C-

SOCIAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL

Interaction with other cats: B
Discipline: B+
Respect for superiors: B
Verbal ability: A
Killer Instinct: A+

Hope this information answers your questions,

"Lulu"
KittyNet Records Office
id#863-hdt.myar3

With every hope that these revelations aid us in our mission,

--Vladia Velocicat

cc: Commander Cheop

Behold!

Behold! The MONSTER!

Black Kitten RE-Evaluation

Okay. I may not be an expert in basic cat training. But I know quality when I see it. And I know incompetence when I see it too (you develop a good eye for it when you have to deal night and day and night with THE HUMANS). So though it may not be official scoring for the official documents, I'd just like to put on the record my own personal assessment of the new black kitten's progress.

NOTE: I am a reasonable cat, as has been repeatedly stated in multiple sources that I am not now at liberty to fully disclose, and I want it known that this is a reasonable, nonpartisan, honest, unprejudiced evaluation, based on my years of field experience:


GENERAL

Climbing skills: F
Running skills: F
Creeping & stalking: F
Problem solving: F

COMPULSORY MANEUVERS

Vertical leap: D
Inverted kick: D-
Stationary tackle: F
Running tackle: F
Standing swat: F
Vertical ("tree") sprint: D

SOCIAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL

Interaction with other cats: F
Discipline: F-
Respect for superiors: F---
Verbal ability: B
Killer Instinct: C-


--Commander Cheop the Cat

cc: Vladia Velocicat

Black Kitten Evaluation

My preliminary scoring for basic training of the new black kitten called "DICKENS" (file# 9878a.kit.1qolso/73):

GENERAL

Climbing skills: A-
Running skills: A-
Creeping & stalking: A-
Problem solving: B+

COMPULSORY MANEUVERS

Vertical leap: A+
Inverted kick: B
Stationary tackle: A
Running tackle: A-
Standing swat: B+
Vertical ("tree") sprint: B-

SOCIAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL

Interaction with other cats: C+
Discipline: B-
Respect for superiors: C-
Verbal ability: A+
Killer Instinct: A-

--Vladia V.

cc: Commander Cheop The Cat

10 Alternatives To "Meow"

SRI LANKA'S TOP 10 ALTERNATIVES TO "MEOW"

1.) ...myerk...
2.) ...mep...
3.) ...myar...
4.) ...maew...
5.) ...mik...
6.) ...myarn...
7.) ...rearp...
8.) ...mrep...
9.) ...mrimp...
10.) ...myah...

Honorable Mention: ...myant...

Sri Lanka Deposition

Situation still grave.

Small black cute big-eyed meowing kitten intruder threatens to undo everything we have worked so hard over these several years to achieve.

As previously stated, I intend--once the cute small black kitten has been...dealt with--to file cat martial proceedings against Vladia Velocicat. She is a traitor. She has allied with the small black cute kitten intruder to the detriment of all.

Sri Lanka has been upset by the whole experience. I fear she has been retraumatized--that the PTSD she exhibited when she first came to us has been aggravated. She is withdrawn and moody.

Following is her deposition, given to me this afternoon, which I intend to present as evidence at Vladia's cat martial:

CHEOP: So Sri Lanka, how are you feeling today?
SRI LANKA: ...myik...
CHEOP: Vladia is a bad cat, isn't she?
SRI LANKA: ...myar...
CHEOP: How would you describe your emotional state prior to the arrival of the evil, villainous, odious and monstrous small new black cat?
SRI LANKA: ...myark...
CHEOP: Would you say you were, perhaps, beginning to recover from your post traumatic stress disorder symptoms, the result of your sad and tragic street life prior to being placed with me, your kind and benevolent guide and commander who only wants the best for you?
SRI LANKA: ...myap...
CHEOP: And would you say that the introduction of the new small, meowing, awful, little, smelly, treacherous black kitten has not only caused you to relapse but has jeopardized our entire mission for KittyNet?
SRI LANKA: ...meep...
CHEOP: Thank you, Sri Lanka, for your honesty. I know this must be painful for you. Is there anything more you would like to say about Agent Vladia Velocicat and her unhealthy and unwholesome and almost certainly treasonous relationship with the new and dangerous interloper?
SRI LANKA: ...mow...
CHEOP: Thank you. Thank you, Agent Sri Lanka.

(end recording)

Urgent Transmission - Caddycat

I will deal with Vladia's vile insubordination later. Oh, yes. I'll do and I'll do and I'll do. But first...

...this urgent message from one of our east coast KittyNet agents, CADDYCAT:

Dear Felines,

I purr to you in the plural, because I fear that if I address in the singular, cat wrath will be visited upon me, and I strongly desire to nip it in the bud. Although separated by vast distance, I’m scared as pell, for I fear the wraith of kitty wrath. "How swiftly floats the kittywraithe!" sings the poet. Aye, how swiftly? And by what means? And through what medium? —Aye, again: there’s the rub.

Thou cats! If thou accepts that salutation as too pedestrian, then I, in my soft baritone purr enunciate, "Thou felines!" If I but knew thee intimately, with what grace and charm I should greet thee: "What’s new pussycat, dear pussy?" would I quothe. But, as we are at paws —tails length, intimacy is a non sequitur, an oxymoron, a Baskerville thing, and my fear of unknown wailers of the night forces me to take cover—not by my quaint kitty-litter box, but in my private nook in the pantry, near the canned soup. Ah ha! Thou shouteth, "What fools be some four-legged creatures!: But, alas on your part: my mistress’s pantry is over laden—jammed—with the necessities of life, and she—even she knoweth not where the various foodstuffs be. I, only I, with my nifty sniffer can ferret out the goodies—vinegar, if it is not bottled, and such. Therefore, wraith, ghost, or goblin need not come a’ callin’.

Yet, as I lie comfortably dozing here before crackling flames, as warm as the catcoles of my heart, tapping away on my notebook, as my mistress and her lochinvar doth lie, and lie and spark on yonder sofa, I cannot but wax sentimental; for to know you, my kinsmen, however far removed by blood and distance, would be a sweetly scented blessing, the cat’s meow.

Nunc Dimittis


Ah ha! again. I gottest thee there. Oh, how our race has abandoned its
mother tongue!

Truly yours,
Caddycat

(end message)

Cmdr. Cheop is...

Commander Cheop is a jerk.


--Vladia Velocicat

Cat Martial

An uneasy truce has developed here in the dwelling. I am proposing the following conditions:

I agree not to beat up the new small black cat and the other cats agree not to stop me if I change my mind and beat up the new small black cat. I think that's a good position to negotiate from.

They are thick as thieves, Vladia and her little cute little small friend. It's utterly revolting. Who would have thought that such a fine agent as Vladia Velocicat would succumb to such...such...decadent...undisciplined...decadence?

Attached is a form 31.ht/leg.21u.

Yes.

It's come to this. I am starting the process. I am demanding that Vladia Velocicat face...

...a cat martial.

I accuse...or, if I may...J'ACCUSE (always wanted to say that) KittyNet Agent Vladia Velocicat of:

1.)


um...

...let me think...

Okay. I haven't got the charges worked out yet. Let me get back to you. But there will definitely be a number of charges, all of them having to do with the ungrateful and uncatlike way she has behaved in taking this dwarfish intruder under her wing in such a not-good-at-all and very-displeasing-to-me manner.

Also, the whole thing has caused Agent Sri Lanka to become gloomy and upset.

Will follow up with list of formal charges,

Cheop The Cat

Vladia = Traitor

It's true. Vladia Velocicat and the black small new cat are allied. Against me. Against KittyNet, I mean.

Shall I arrest her?

Heartbroken, yet somehow excited,

--Cheop The Cat

Mutiny?

-transmit emerg. code moewem.38.hsio.myerk/CH.2809sh-

(KittyNet eyes only--del. from official record)

VLADIA VELOCICAT has formed a disturbingly close bond with the black, small, new cat that arrived on Saturday afternoon. The two are spending a great deal of time alone together and are behaving like old comrades-in-arms. I expect this kind of turn-coat behavior from the Humans, but I am thrown by the sudden change in Vladia, who always has seemed like such a solid agent.

Has she been seduced by this wide-eyed outsider's charms? Has he promised her wealth? Fame? Power? Her own floor for disco dancing? Is she...Could she be...Could our Vladia Velocicat be...some kind of double-agent?

Even Sri Lanka is worried about it. Normally we would all spend the night observing the sleeping Humans. It seemed imprudent to do so last night. The Humans brought the black cat in; who knows what atrocities they may commit. Best to err on the side of caution where they are concerned. Sri Lanka and I dug into our alternative nocturnal nesting sites, but we slept little, worried as we both were about this latest shift in the balance of power. But Vladia slept with the Humans--IN MY PLACE!!!

Last night's conference with Sri Lanka, for the official record:

ME: I can't believe this! Can you believe this?
SRI LANKA: ...myerk...
ME: What does Vladia think she's doing?
SRI LANKA: ...myik...
ME: I don't trust her. I hate to say it, Sri. But I don't trust Vladia Velocicat anymore.
SRI LANKA: ...mep...
ME: What's so great about a cute little tiny saucer-eyed small black kitten anyway?
SRI LANKA: ...meeyarlllllrrrrrrrrrrrrhhh!...

(end recording)

We are very concerned. Please advise.

Cheop The Cat

I Do Not Resemble Godzilla

Here's me:



Here's Godzilla:



Case closed.

--Cheop

New Small Black Cat Report

Vladia Velocicat here reporting to KittyNet my findings on the new black small cat in the cage in the bathroom:

The cat is small.

The cat is black.

This is a new cat.

The cat is a boy cat.

The cat can run.

I was able to chase the new cat very well.

The new cat was able to chase me very well.

I have done a full hiss and swat test on the small new black cat and I do not believe he is a security risk.

During the interrogation, I got his story:

His mother was run over by a car. Don't know why. Commander Cheop is pressing me to suggest that the mother was launching an attack on the car in an act of anti-human heroism. Have heard no evidence to support however.

Have heard no evidence to support--AT THIS TIME (Cheop made me write that).

A passing female human stopped to help. The human saw that the mother was not alive anymore--and that she had a tiny kitten in her mouth. The human knelt down to examine the two dead heroes (Commander C's word) and was surprised to find the kitten was alive and apparently unharmed. The kitten was brought to Sante D'Or Foundation, the same cat shelter and adoption agency that brought me and my brothers off the street...

(Commander Cheop saying I should replace "adoption agency" with "detention facility")

...So the new black cat is awaiting adoption into a human home. I would like to submit a request to KittyNet (see attached form 38B.3) that he be placed in some easy field post and observed for possible agent work. I recommend him highly.

Must end now. Birds on feeder.

Thank you for allowing me to be of service,

Vladia Velocicat

ADDENDUM: The new small black cat said that he thought Command Cheop resembled Godzilla.

Black Cat Intruder!

An incident has arisen which is of the utmost concern. A new cat--black, only several weeks old--has been brought into the home by the humans!

This is not the first time this has happened. The humans bring home the odd cat now and then, the interloper stays for a week, then vanishes without a trace, and it takes us weeks to return to our normal operations.

The new black cat (temp file i.d.#1890ao.ibb) was brought here in a large cage, at approx. 4:35pm yesterday. The cage was placed in the main water room (the room where J. tried to drown me that time in the large porcelain torture pit with the water cannon--but I was too strong and cunning for her!).

Yes, I am concerned utmostly. This is the same kind of unanticipated appearance that occurred when Sri Lanka came to us. We now understand Sri Lanka to be a KittyNet agent (though frankly I sometimes still have my doubts), but it takes a long time to train an agent properly and if you think I have better things to do than teach from scratch a wet-behind-the-ears kitten the Way Of The Somewhat Peaceful-ish Warrior-Cat, then I just don't know what. And this kind of thing can really snowball. Before you know it, you've got a whole platoon of cats wandering around the dwelling. Even I don't have the leadership skills to keep discipline in a platoon of cats.

Disgusted by the whole thing, I am.

Haven't determined whether or not this small new black cat is in cahoots (anagram for "cat shoo") with the prowling gray cat mentioned in yesterday's report.

Vladia Velocicat--our best "good cop" in the familiar old game--interrogated the newcomer at length last night. Even I thought she was a little overbearing, but I trust Vladia's methods. And out here in the real world sometimes the kit gloves must come off.

Anyway, I've put the whole matter in Vladia's paws. I'm going to eat and sleep and try to not to think about the whole awful business, until I'm absolutely forced to.

--CHEOP

P.S. What if the new kitten tries to turn the other cats against me?

Unidentified Agent Spotted

Of course, I appreciate Sri Lanka's initiative in trying to describe her recent experience, the innocent little fool. The problem is that Sri Lanka doesn't know English and so her posts are, well, a little ridiculous.

If I may interpret: Sri Lanka was reporting that there was a cat lurking around outside the dwelling last night. Sri Lanka tracked it for several hours--using KittySense #7, I believe (for the record: the ability to sense within 20 meters the presence of other individuals plugged into KittyNet). Sri Lanka did meow repeatedly throughout the night, but the unknown individual did respond.

We still have not ascertained an identity and are proceeding with caution.

Transcript of the humans speaking about the newcomer/intruder at 8:32pm last night:

N: Did you see that kitty?
J: The gray kitty?
N: Yes.
J: Should we leave it some food?
N: I saw it run off into the crawlspace under the house.
J: Should we leave it some food maybe?
N: Maybe a can of the Fancy Feast. Cheop hates that food. It'll just sit in the drawer forever.
J: Good. I'll give him some Fancy Feast.
N: Maybe give him a can of Fancy Feast.
J: I'll try the Fancy Feast.
N: Okay.

The human named J. went outside with the can of food--a can of MY food--our food, I mean. I don't usually eat the Fancy Feast, of course. It's puke. It really is terrible. It's super-rich, chemical laden garbage. Sometimes they try to feed it to me...to us...when they've run out of the regular. I usually just throw it up--in their presence, if possible.

We've sent the humans to the local food and equipment supply depot. The local name for it is "For Pets Only", whatever that means. The team here is staying vigilant. No sign of the gray intruder since last night.

---

ADDENDUM: Vladia Velocicat just now reported that last night she saw a shadowy figure lurking down at the corner, lighting a cigarette and watching the dwelling for some time. Says she could not clearly i.d. the mysterious figure.

I have raised status to Yellow Alert. We will stand watch at the windows in shifts--10 min. watches followed by 50 min. naps.

Please send any/all data on KittyNet agents in our area. And advise as to how to proceed.

Cheop The Cat

mowarp...

...myerp...


....merp...


...meeyrk..

...myamp...