Urgent Transmission - Caddycat

I will deal with Vladia's vile insubordination later. Oh, yes. I'll do and I'll do and I'll do. But first...

...this urgent message from one of our east coast KittyNet agents, CADDYCAT:

Dear Felines,

I purr to you in the plural, because I fear that if I address in the singular, cat wrath will be visited upon me, and I strongly desire to nip it in the bud. Although separated by vast distance, I’m scared as pell, for I fear the wraith of kitty wrath. "How swiftly floats the kittywraithe!" sings the poet. Aye, how swiftly? And by what means? And through what medium? —Aye, again: there’s the rub.

Thou cats! If thou accepts that salutation as too pedestrian, then I, in my soft baritone purr enunciate, "Thou felines!" If I but knew thee intimately, with what grace and charm I should greet thee: "What’s new pussycat, dear pussy?" would I quothe. But, as we are at paws —tails length, intimacy is a non sequitur, an oxymoron, a Baskerville thing, and my fear of unknown wailers of the night forces me to take cover—not by my quaint kitty-litter box, but in my private nook in the pantry, near the canned soup. Ah ha! Thou shouteth, "What fools be some four-legged creatures!: But, alas on your part: my mistress’s pantry is over laden—jammed—with the necessities of life, and she—even she knoweth not where the various foodstuffs be. I, only I, with my nifty sniffer can ferret out the goodies—vinegar, if it is not bottled, and such. Therefore, wraith, ghost, or goblin need not come a’ callin’.

Yet, as I lie comfortably dozing here before crackling flames, as warm as the catcoles of my heart, tapping away on my notebook, as my mistress and her lochinvar doth lie, and lie and spark on yonder sofa, I cannot but wax sentimental; for to know you, my kinsmen, however far removed by blood and distance, would be a sweetly scented blessing, the cat’s meow.

Nunc Dimittis


Ah ha! again. I gottest thee there. Oh, how our race has abandoned its
mother tongue!

Truly yours,
Caddycat

(end message)