Charlton Heston Interview

I am not only a brilliant strategist and International Merchant of Terror (or is that "Merchant of International Terror"?) ("International Terror Merchant?") ("Le Merchant de Terreure Internationale"?) , I am also a Sophisti-Cat. I appreciate the finer things in life - food, the arts, food. In fact, I am a bit of an artist myself. Sometimes, if I feel particularly moved, I will leave carefully prepared and shaped pieces of poo around the house for the HUMANS to enjoy. Some have called my work "provocative" or "quite provocative". And the HUMANS have called me "little bastard" or "vindictive monster". But it is the greatest of artists who are the most misunderstood in their own times.

One of the greatest artists of the past 100 years is Charlton Heston. Mr. Heston has starred in many motion pictures, including "Soylent Green" and "The Ten Commandments". Some of his starring roles have been in films that have at their core, a powerful social message.

I recently had the great pleasure and good fortune of interviewing Charlton Heston at his California home:

CHEOP THE CAT: Thank you for your time, Mr. Heston. I'd like to start off by asking you if you are ever ashamed of the fact that many of your earlier films seem to promote a message of tolerance between different peoples and a rejection of violence and dehumanization?

MR. HESTON: From my cold dead HANDSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

CHEOP THE CAT: Pardon?

MR. HESTON: If I cannot persuade them, that does not mean that I would help you...murder them!

CHEOP THE CAT: Are you referring to...Who are you referring to?

MR. HESTON: If that is the choice...than I am against you!

CHEOP THE CAT: Maybe we got off on the wrong paw...the wrong foot.

MR. HESTON: JIMENA!!

CHEOP THE CAT: "Cheop", Mr. Heston. My name is "Cheop".

MR. HESTON: You are EVIL!

CHEOP THE CAT: (laughs) You're not the first one to say so!

MR. HESTON: Repent!

CHEOP THE CAT: Okay. That's not really funny. Let's keep the focus on you.

MR. HESTON: They're making our food out of people! Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle!

CHEOP THE CAT: Yes. Food. Let's talk about food. I like food. What kinds of food do you enjoy, Mr. Heston?

MR. HESTON: It's a madhouse! A madhouse!

CHEOP THE CAT: I think I see. Are you...You are referring to the current state of American political affairs?

MR. HESTON: Imagine me needing someone. Back on Earth I never did. Oh, there were women. Lots of women. Lots of love-making but no love. You see, that was the kind of world we'd made. So I left, because there was no one to hold me there.

CHEOP THE CAT: So even with a long and illustrious career like yours, you have some regrets.

MR. HESTON: Tell me something, would you? Are you fellas really with the Internal Revenue Service?

CHEOP THE CAT: No. I don't work for your government. I work for...never mind.

MR. HESTON: The Lord of Hosts will do battle for us. Behold His mighty hand!

CHEOP THE CAT: You are referring to the Hebrew god, Yaweh. Did you know that long ago some of your human ancestors worshipped cats?

MR. HESTON: You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell!

CHEOP THE CAT: Should we continue our interview at another time - later - when you're feeling more...less...more...up to it?

MR. HESTON: I've got nothing to give, Furniture.

CHEOP THE CAT: Yes. We'll continue this later. Thank you, Mr. Heston, for your time today.

MR. HESTON: If you were not a bride, I would kiss you goodbye.

CHEOP THE CAT: ...erm...