Amazing Cheop Fact #2

Though it is well-known that Cheop The Cat has no tail, were he to have one, it would be over 30 FEET LONG!





(data provided by Cheop The Cat)

Cheop vs. Shark - Anatomical Study

Is Commander Cheop really a cat? "But of course", you may say.

Consider though, for a moment, his shark-like mouth:

(image captured by secret camera
while Commander Cheop slept)

Could it be that he is just maybe, just possibly, not 100% Felis felis?


Only KittyNet can decide. But I have my suspicions.

--Vladia V.

Charlton Heston Interview

I am not only a brilliant strategist and International Merchant of Terror (or is that "Merchant of International Terror"?) ("International Terror Merchant?") ("Le Merchant de Terreure Internationale"?) , I am also a Sophisti-Cat. I appreciate the finer things in life - food, the arts, food. In fact, I am a bit of an artist myself. Sometimes, if I feel particularly moved, I will leave carefully prepared and shaped pieces of poo around the house for the HUMANS to enjoy. Some have called my work "provocative" or "quite provocative". And the HUMANS have called me "little bastard" or "vindictive monster". But it is the greatest of artists who are the most misunderstood in their own times.

One of the greatest artists of the past 100 years is Charlton Heston. Mr. Heston has starred in many motion pictures, including "Soylent Green" and "The Ten Commandments". Some of his starring roles have been in films that have at their core, a powerful social message.

I recently had the great pleasure and good fortune of interviewing Charlton Heston at his California home:

CHEOP THE CAT: Thank you for your time, Mr. Heston. I'd like to start off by asking you if you are ever ashamed of the fact that many of your earlier films seem to promote a message of tolerance between different peoples and a rejection of violence and dehumanization?

MR. HESTON: From my cold dead HANDSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

CHEOP THE CAT: Pardon?

MR. HESTON: If I cannot persuade them, that does not mean that I would help you...murder them!

CHEOP THE CAT: Are you referring to...Who are you referring to?

MR. HESTON: If that is the choice...than I am against you!

CHEOP THE CAT: Maybe we got off on the wrong paw...the wrong foot.

MR. HESTON: JIMENA!!

CHEOP THE CAT: "Cheop", Mr. Heston. My name is "Cheop".

MR. HESTON: You are EVIL!

CHEOP THE CAT: (laughs) You're not the first one to say so!

MR. HESTON: Repent!

CHEOP THE CAT: Okay. That's not really funny. Let's keep the focus on you.

MR. HESTON: They're making our food out of people! Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle!

CHEOP THE CAT: Yes. Food. Let's talk about food. I like food. What kinds of food do you enjoy, Mr. Heston?

MR. HESTON: It's a madhouse! A madhouse!

CHEOP THE CAT: I think I see. Are you...You are referring to the current state of American political affairs?

MR. HESTON: Imagine me needing someone. Back on Earth I never did. Oh, there were women. Lots of women. Lots of love-making but no love. You see, that was the kind of world we'd made. So I left, because there was no one to hold me there.

CHEOP THE CAT: So even with a long and illustrious career like yours, you have some regrets.

MR. HESTON: Tell me something, would you? Are you fellas really with the Internal Revenue Service?

CHEOP THE CAT: No. I don't work for your government. I work for...never mind.

MR. HESTON: The Lord of Hosts will do battle for us. Behold His mighty hand!

CHEOP THE CAT: You are referring to the Hebrew god, Yaweh. Did you know that long ago some of your human ancestors worshipped cats?

MR. HESTON: You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell!

CHEOP THE CAT: Should we continue our interview at another time - later - when you're feeling more...less...more...up to it?

MR. HESTON: I've got nothing to give, Furniture.

CHEOP THE CAT: Yes. We'll continue this later. Thank you, Mr. Heston, for your time today.

MR. HESTON: If you were not a bride, I would kiss you goodbye.

CHEOP THE CAT: ...erm...

I Am Sorely Abused!

I have had enough of all this criticism! Enough! My own lieutenants undermining my authority! As if I were a threat to our safety, security, and success!

The truth is - and we all know it - all of us - all of us know it - that it is I who am the abused party! It is I who have suffered for the cause of KittyNet! What sleepless nights have I suffered to make sure that I and my cats have food available at all hours! What uncomfortable pillows I have had to sleep on! (please see photograph of me patiently and humbly suffering, for KittyNet's sake)

I have only ever tried to help KittyNet in its mission - by doing exactly whatever I wanted to do (by which I mean "doing the right and proper thing").

Little Dickens, that talented and affectionate new black kitten, believes in me. Even if his FORMER instructor has turned against us.

(And don't think I've forgotten about that Cat Martial! I'm still waiting for the paperwork)

- Cheop

Unholy Cat Rite!

TO: KITTYNET HIGH COMMAND
URGENT TRANSM. (keycode#32j8.7ps.mewk)

Commander Cheop has gone mad with power. And I really mean it this time.

In a strange and unwholesome ritual, our Commander vomited profusely, drawing a preternaturally perfect circle with his foul puke. Then he bid the new black kitten Dickens to step inside the circle and he said to Dickens: "Eat of it. Eat of this vomit and join me! Only with our combined strength can we end this destructive conflict and restore Cat Dominion to the Galaxy!"

And Dickens ate it!

HE ATE IT!!!

Declaring that only he is suited to tutoring Dickens the Cat in the ways of catitude, Cheop has taken it upon himself to be Dickens sole master and teacher.

I fear for the poor kitten's future. I fear for the poor kitten's soul! I fear for all of us!!

Send help at once!

--Vladia Velocicat

I Am Your Master Now

The new small black cat called Dickens will go to the cat detention facility tomorrow. Perhaps he will find placement in one of the other human dwellings. If he does, well then, good for him. I lick my paws of him and of the whole situation. If he does not find placement tomorrow, then he will return to us for one more week.

One more week.

Vladia Velocicat has continued her training of the black small new cat, but despite her talent, there is only so much that one of Vladia's limited experience can teach a young small new black cat. That is why I, Cheop, have taken it upon myself...

...yes, it is true...

...have taken it upon myself to COMPLETE HIS TRAINING.

Only a fully trained small new black cat will be a match for the wily and stubborn Human Enemy. These are desperate times. I must now take the youngling in paw and do my catly duty to set the next generation on the righteous path in KittyNet's great struggle.

Black new small cat...I am your master now.

Amazing Cheop Fact #1

CHEOP THE CAT is an anagram for:

He catch poet

The peach cot

AND

Choc hate pet