The V3

The V3 In London

2007-01-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

On November 22, 2006, The V3 landed in London, United Kingdom.

The English cats greeted their liberators with catnip and small fishes and songs praising their courage and bravery. Actually, it was hard to understand what they were going on about, but it's probably safe to assume they were songs about their courage and bravery. We'll just assume that, shall we?

For up-to-the-minute detailage on The V3's England exploits, go now to:

The V3 in London

Safe Landing

2006-11-25T09:49:00.001-08:00

KittyNet High Command...

Dearest, KittyNet High Command...

Dear Sirs...

My Dear Sirs...

Dear...hello?...hello? Is this thing on?...

Dear Sirs At KittyNet High Command:

That's pretty good, right? Does that sound good? Vladia, does that sound good?

(muffled response)

Of course it does.

Confirm we have arrived safely at our new UK destination.

The trip was harrowing - 15 hours in cargo carriers. But we are strong cats. Strong, strong cats. Especially me. I am the strongest. As you know. We all know that I am the strongest. Right, Vladia? I'm the strongest? ...

(muffled response)

Right.

On Wednesday, November 22, 2006 A.D., we were sent off by the humans of the Silverlake Outpost, the three of us cleverly disguised as cats being shipped in cargo. Agent Gertie gave wise counsel, which we took to heart. She said: "Remember, they will be expecting cats being shipped as cargo, not cats disguised as cats being shipped in cargo." As the grim hours rolled by, the three of us caged deep in the belly of a human steel-bird-flying-boom-boom-birdie-machine-bird with wings, this advice sustained us and gave us courage.

We were detained by uniformed humans with peculiar accents upon arrival. They sought to make us comfortable, gave us food, moistened our brows - and then they STUCK THE KNIFE IN! Or I'm sure they would have. I know that's what they were planning. Trying to get us to lower our guards. But our guards would not be lowered. I'm not lowering my guard for no stinking human. No way. Even if they give me a whole lot of tuna-fish. Well, it might depend on how much tuna-fish they gave me. But it would really have to be a whole lot of tuna-fish. Maybe six or seven cans. Then I might think about maybe lowering my guard. Or four cans. Four cans might get me to lower my guard. Maybe.

Sri Lanka and my fine self survived the trip relatively unruffled, but Vladia Velocicat...the pressures of the mission - the most dangerous so far in the V3 saga - took their toll. She was...

What?

(muffled plaintive meowing)

Yes, they did, Vladia.

(muffled response)

Yes. they did. They took their toll.

(muffled response)

Dude, you looked like you were at death's door. Trust me, they took their toll.

(muffled response)

I'm in the middle of an important KittyNet transmission here. On the record, they took their toll. You may file a formal complaint, if you like. But I'm telling KittyNet Command that they took their toll.

Yes. So...yes. Vladia's nose was bloody-raw from attempts to escape her cage. Her fur was ruffled and unkempt. Her eyes, glazed. Her tail, dragging behind her like a piece of wet rope. It was pitiful to behold. It almost made me want to stop thinking about myself for a moment. I think that gives you an idea of the gravity of her situation.

The male human - the one tagged NR729 - came to get us. I pretended to recognize him. Even though I did actually recognize him. But still I pretended. Oh, I'm wily. Oh, so wily.

(muffled grumblig)

Yes, I am Vladia. I'm wily.

We were taken to the new facility, which seems adequate. I did a full inspection immediately, investigating all rooms, checking all possible ingresses and egresses and congresses and extragresses and other kinds of gresses. We slept, greeted the female human (tagged JW821) when she arrived, with feigned affection.

There is only one waste-voiding area, which is going to change, I can tell you. The food is inadequate. But that is par for the course.

Vladia is on the rebound. Her tail attitude is most of the time near 45 degrees, which is remarkable improvement after only two days of recovery. Her nose is an unattractive blotch of scab, but that means it's healing. I...

...What?...

(muffled myerking)

...Sri Lanka has told me to relay a message to you...I...

She says...She wants to deliver the message herself. I...well, I never...

(rustling, static, squeal of feedback)

...myerk...myar...

...myap...myerk...mep...

...myawp...myap...

(rustling)

Please do forgive that. Sometimes she just...I just don't know. She's an inscrutable kitty, that Sri Lanka. Who knows how her mind works.

And so, in conclusion, we can clearly see that The V3 are an asset to KittyNet and that much of their success is due to the skill of their leader, me. Thank you.

Signing off, this is Cheop The Cat.

End transmission.

Acknowledge Rect.

2006-11-12T06:18:00.000-08:00

KittyNet European Command:

Acknowledge receipt of your infiltration plan. Confirm ready to implement. Standing by. Awaiting go order. Have issued order to team to redouble feeding schedule to gain insulating coat of protective fat prior to departure date.

KittyNetcodesec SRIL283-28

----
----
----

V3:

Support troops on ground.
Perimeter secure.
Stand by for imminent deployment order.
It's cold here.

-KittyNet Eur. Comm.
----

Comm Test 7726

2006-11-12T05:35:00.000-08:00

Testing...testing...

Kittynet message echo to V3 echoback at 11.12.06 repeat.

>
>
>

autoreply

V3 transmit. offline

>
>
>

contacting KittyNet info secur.

>end

End of Operatino Deep Silencio

2006-08-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Sirs,

After our long period of deep ground cover under-ground cover over operations (dubbed Operatino Deep Silencio) we surface with much to tell you about the plans, the schemes, and the plots of the HUMANS - and their evil plans, as well, we will tell you of.

It is clear now that they plan to move their operation to the country of Englernland (best transliteration available), where they will continue their reign of terror over a whole new population of our cat brethrens and sistrens.

We intend to follow them, disguised as cargo in the shape of cats.

Oh, the war against the Humans is, yes, a dire one, it is. (war, that is). And, oh, oh, the horros I have to tell you of our treatment so far at their hands. And the horrors too! Oh! Oh! The horrors! And the horros!

The horros and the horrors!!

They have taken the cat tree, they have removed it. They think that will stop us, will break our spirits.

How little they know of the terrible wrath of those that is known as THE V3!!!

Sincerely yours, with love,

Cheop The Cat

cc., Vladia V-cat., Sri Lanka

Knowledge of Time and Space

2006-05-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

We at The V3 are proud to announce that Commander Cheop has ONCE AGAIN attained enlightenment. This after eating an entire can of tuna fish (albacore, chunk) in 15 seconds (also a personal best!!).

We are grateful for his leadership, as always, and most proud of his latest great accomplishment. As always.

-Vladia V.

(proofread by Cheop the Cat)

Nicholas C. - in memoriam

2006-04-14T10:50:00.000-07:00

KittyNet agent Nicholas C. passed away on the morning of Friday, April 14.

Part of a deep cover brother-sister intelligence team, he barely survived the brutal treatment of HUMAN war criminals. Despite being weakened by his traumatic experiences, which included a long series of harrowing adventures behind enemy lines, he demanded to be placed again in active service and was a valuable front line asset for KittyNet even in his final days.

He will be missed.

Ever Vigilant

2006-04-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

Cheop and Vladia Velocicat, ever vigilant, stand guard against the HUMAN menace.

V3 Freed; Questions Remain

2006-03-18T15:58:00.000-08:00

KITTYNET PUB SEC ANNOUNCEMENT #827 a-d:

Last week, all three members of The V3 Forward Deployed Deep Cover Elite Freedom-Fighting Field Team (FDDCEFFFT) were kidnapped in a morning raid by the HUMANS. Despite a heroic defense, all three agents - Cheop the Cat, Vladia Velocicat, and Sri Lanka - were overcome, then caged and transported to a secret location where they were subjected to a number of "procedures", which may have included implantation of minute tracking devices. Needless to say, KittyNet is gravely concerned about the possible compromisation of their missions.

Stand by for updates...

(stand by 388.k for update - as x2RUN u88.j)

We are bouncing back from the capture, which was traumatic, yes, and frightening, and not good.

We were able to smuggle out some photos, however, which we hope you at KittyNet will show the world - at your discretion - so that our comrades in other theaters may not take for granted the great responsibilities entrusted them.

Rest assured we are on the mend. And we thank you for your concerns. We eagerly anticipate the opportunity to present our full report and analysis of the last week's regrettable events.

Vile Humiliations!!

2006-02-04T14:55:00.000-08:00

Commander Cheop made me change the subject heading.

Originally, I had called it "The Flower-Cat Tip-Toes At Eventide".

But Commander Cheop is feeling great shame at his vile treatment by the HUMANS who forced him to wear the garb of a mere canine and took him outside into the dangerous dangerous world and made him smell flowers and lie under a shady bush.

"I was going to make a break for it," Cheop said, "but I didn't want to leave you and Sri Lanka without a Commander."

When I asked him why he seemed so calm and contented after his mistreatment, he replied: "My nerves are shattered and I'm in a state of shock? Yes, I'm in a state of shock."

He slept soundly after the horrible incident and awoke with an unusually cheerful and robust air, capering about and meowing: "Who's for a game of tag?" And I saw him this afternoon look out the window at the flowery bush, then gaze up at the awful pink collar and leash hanging at the door. I can only imagine the terrible trauma he must be recalling. But he is strong and large and very large and this is why he is our commander.

And Sri Lanka has had personal experience with PTSD and perhaps she will be able to share some of her experience and recovery with the commander.

I had never thought the HUMANS would stoop to this level - to deliberate humiliations expressly forbidden by the Purina Convention. What atrocities will they not commit?

--Vladia Velocicat, The V3

I Am Watching

2006-01-27T22:43:00.000-08:00

Beware, HUMANS!

I am watching you.

Always watching you.

The Cat's Baleful Glare

2006-01-21T10:25:00.000-08:00

Our training here at the V3 does not end at the disciplines of war. We are Renaissance Cats. Or at least Commander Cheop keeps loudly declaring "I am a Renaissance cat!" - so I'm assuming that means, by extension, that the rest of us also are.

We are encouraged to take an interest in the arts, as it is often through the subtle intuitions of aesthetic contemplation that the greatest inspirations and ideas emerge which can put that much closer to defeating our enemies.

I would therefore like to begin regularly featuring some of the great artworks that we at the V3 have studied. Perhaps these could be forwarded to other KittyNet units and the study and contemplation of these great artworks may help us progress in our fight against the HUMAN menace. Not to mention making us more well-rounded cats.

This is an experimental, fractal-based computer art piece by Portuguese artist Renato Santos. He has called it: "The Cat's Baleful Glare":

The Cat of the Rings

2006-01-09T10:29:00.000-08:00

Dear New Zealand,

THE V3 watched some of the "Lord Of The Rings" films this weekend. We were dismayed that there were no cats depicted. The only remotely cat-like creatures were the Goblin mounts - called "Wargs" - which had a vaguely cat/hyaena/bear look to them and the villainous Gollum, who sports large bluish eyes not entirely unlike my own. As I recall, the Wargs were depicted as more distinctly canine in the original text of "The Lord Of The Rings" and this suggestion of cat-like qualities was a deliberate distortion on the part of the filmmakers.

We find it difficult to believe that there were no cats in Middle Earth. Certainly Rivendell must have been home to a cat or two. And you can't tell me that the ruins of Osgiliath, which must be seething with rats, did not shelter the odd alley puss.

We feel the film's treatment of cats - who almost certainly fought in the Second War for Middle Earth - is expressive of an underlying - perhaps unconscious, we are willing to concede - prejudice against the feline element.

It is this deliberate distortion of Cat History by HUMAN storytellers that is symptomatic of the darkness The V3 have sworn to resist.

Respectfully,

Vladia Velocicat, Freedom Fighter/Disco Dancer

Combat Training

2006-01-07T11:19:00.000-08:00

We here at The V3 are always endeavouring to employ the newest and deadliest combat techniques - as well as using British spellings whenever possible as this gives us greater credibility in the world of war and strategic defence.

I draw your attention to the photo below in which I demonstrate on Vladia Velocicat the ancient and formidable "T. Rex Striking Down The Triceratops" maneuver, which originated in the ancient cat martial arts of Persia (if I'm not mistaken, during the times of Shah Fluff-head The Magnificent).

Vladia Velocicat recovered from her injuries with characteristic speed and diligence.

Year In Review

2005-12-31T15:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Sirs:

2005 was a year fraught with great successes in the ongoing struggle against the HUMAN MENACE. Our detailed report, the finishing touches of which are being on put by Vladia Velocicat as I write, will extravagantly confirm this very fact. I would hate to say that I am entirely responsible for these successes, but I will do so anyway.

I am entirely responsible for these successes.

I hated saying that.

Of these great (and worthy of decoration??) successes gained in 2005, here are some highlights:

1.) HUMANS have almost never experienced a full night's sleep in the past 365 days
2.) Successfully trained cadet "Dickens" (now "Ollie") and deployed him to West Hollywood post under deep cover.
3.) Strategic up-chucking of food and hairballs not only up in frequency but also in square footage covered.
4.) Have contained tropical fish threat to tiny 10 gallon aquarium area through diplomacy and show of force
5.) Have forced HUMANS to upgrade quality of food on a quarterly basis
6.) Nearly blinded the HUMAN named "N" in nocturnal kicking attack (anticipate success next year?)
7.) Have become even more charming, powerful, and all-knowing than I was last year
8.) Vladia Velocicat and Sri Lanka committed many heroic and effective actions against the HUMAN enemy, as a result of my fine command and strategic guidance (see detailed report for details)
9.) Emerged from variety of scandals without a blot on my reputation due to my great virtue and lack of badness
10.) Implementation of Operation "Water Dish Splashy-Splash" - in which the kitchen floor is covered with a thin coating of water - nearly accomplished goal of at least one broken HUMAN neck (we are sure to meet success in 2006!)

And so, in conclusion, we can see that my work in 2005 has been - to put it mildly - extraordinary, admirable, and exceeding all expectations and modes of measurement in its staggering superiority and excellence.

Thank you for your attention.

Cheop The Cat
code.i7jj.ID38iiuy67

see: iie45 & iie49 w/sigVV code.i7jj.ID28kkaqq9

Naughty Cheop Caught In Barbie Bedtime Scandal!!!

2005-11-30T12:00:00.000-08:00

Daily Catspress - Commander Cheop The Cat has been photographed dalliancing with a female HUMAN! And not just any female HUMAN - a plastic female HUMAN!

KittyNet photographers on a routine surveillance mission snapped the V3 Commander unawares while he luxuriated and cat-vorted with one "Barbie The Plastic (female) Human". Cheop The Cat, who has only just recovered from the "Dickens Scandal", in which the Commander was seen to publically and dramatically waffle on his stance toward a new tiny cat cadet, Dickens (now "Oliver") . He publically and dramtically decried the kitten as a menace and enemy, then was photographed the same week breaking bread with the little chap. He had been regaining his credibility and had bolstered his public image with the recently announced "Cheopic Precepts".

This is a devastating blow to the Commander's reputation and all KittyNet will be on pins and needles to see if he can pull a rabbit out of the hat - with those rabbit-like paws of his - once more.

At this writing neither Cheop nor Barbie The Plastic HUMAN could be reached for comment.

- 8978s-mew - stand by for following trans. #82349- -- end

Breath of War

2005-11-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

Commander Cheop has had two rotten teeth removed.

Now his breath smells like a spring rain, and his manner is uncharacteristically relaxed and cheerful. Without the foul breath stink, the Commander's authority and charisma have mushroomed. And I see now that he is truly the one who shall lead us to victory against the HUMANS. I am his servant. I shall follow him always.

But first...

...DISCO DANCING!!!

Portrait of a Freedom Fighter

2005-11-18T12:31:00.000-08:00

Unnamed KittyNet Freedom Fighter (foreground) resists the HUMAN menace.

Breath Weapon

2005-11-04T16:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Sirs:

It has long been common knowledge that Commander Cheop's breath is...

...his breath is...

One of the most formidable weapons employed by Commander Cheop in his noble struggle against the HUMAN MENACE is his mighty and admirable breath.

His breath is potent. His breath is daring. His breath is...is potent.

The weapon is so effective, so perfectly deadly, that we here at THE V3 wonder if we have the proper safety equipment to properly manage it. The source of the stink - er, I mean - the key to the weapon's efficacy - lies in the neglect of Commander Cheop's dental hygiene. Perhaps KittyNet might send some kind of...send a...send a Dental Hygienist? Send help. Help. Any help at all.

Yours,

- Vladia Velocicat

The Cheopic Precepts

2005-10-13T09:46:00.000-07:00

In my efforts to perfect my wisdom - and when I say "perfect" I mean "extoll" or "celebrate" - I have developed several meditation points, which I feel might benefit all KittyNet members were they to be recited and dwelt 'pon throughout the many strenuous hours of never-ending struggle against the HUMAN menace.

I will be requiring my agents here at the V3 to recite the precepts at sunset and at sunrise and at sunset. Also at noon. Also after the morning feeding and after the evening feeding. Before and after using the catbox too. I think it is best to start out slowly and later build up to more frequent repetitions, and so I think this schedule is sufficient for now.

THE PRECEPTS
i. Cheop is Commander of the V3. He is Commander of us all. All of
us. We feel awe and shame in his presence. We must give him food to prove
ourselves worthy.

ii. Form is emptiness, emptiness is form. Emptiness can only be
filled by form in the form of food. Cheop is emptiness incarnate.

iii. The HUMANS are evil. Cheop is good.

iv. Enlightenment is attainable only through extinguishing the self.
Extinguishing the self is only attainable through enlightenment. Cheop is great
and we worship him.

v. May the Eternal Powers grant safety, power, and comfort to
Cheop - a whole lot of it.

vi. Cheop is my shepherd. I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down
in places where he is not lying down.

vii. Yea, Cheop is a mighty and jealous God. Let oil and fishflakes
therefore be given unto him as an offering and let no one eat before him.

viii. My body is to be an object of sport for Cheop, let him claw it
and smack it around as his rage and whim doth dictate.

ix. The Cheop that can be named is not the Eternal Cheop, therefore
let us not speak his name aloud, but instead address him as "Divine Master",
"Lord", or "The ALL". (also "His Radiance" - see above)

x. May Cheop's reign over the HUMANS last a billion billion
years.

I'd be happy to hear any feedback you may have.

- Cheop "Divine Master" The Cat

Disco Dancing Resources

2005-09-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

VLADIA VELOCICAT'S 10 DISCO-DANCING WEB RESOURCES

As with any important mission, one cannot execute first-rate disco-dancing without the correct supplies and equipment. That is why I have provided the following list of websites as an aid to those requiring disco-dancing material support solutions:

1.) Official Bee Gees Site
2.) Dance Floor Lighting
3.) Disco-Disco.com
4.) "Disco Inferno" Lyrics
5.) How To Dance "The Hustle"
6.) Kitty Cat Dance!
7.) Disco Mirror Balls
8.) "Saturday Night Fever" IMDb Listing
9.) "Saturday Night Fever" Stageshow
10.) Wikipedia - "Disco"

HIGHESTSEC TRANS. #28912som.89

2005-09-27T03:41:00.000-07:00

...myarp...

...mapp...

...myark...

...mysfqas. ---- uudjei.883. -- 2877. 287/ wasunder988. __

Req. id#3782789.sri.8.nn -- !THISDATE.75mm-

----

conf. HGHST **97d/sj.uus.codeid#xxxxxxxxxx - xx

********

myar.kiidk.83 - as887.myep.

tr.38992.n83.GO -

...Deep Cover Agent SRI LANKA to KittyNet.

Highest Security Channel established at this end.

Confirm you are receiving, KittyNet.

I have much to report, including full evals on the agents Vladia Velocicat and Commander Cheop - much that is of great value to us, and much that may jeopardize the mission.

There is little indication that the other agents of the V3 suspect my status as a Deep Cover KittyNet SuperAgent. There are times I almost feel moved to reveal it to them, but that of course is not feasible in these times. Perhaps in later years, when the world has become a peaceful place we three can all sit down together and be like friends instead of comrades-in-arms against a relentless foe, be able to put licking each other before devotion to a cause. But that time...well, let's not dwell too much on it. Let's put our speckly nose to the grindstone at hand.

The new agent called "Dickens" is now fully entrenched in the British human's home. He will be found under the name "Oliver". I have been able to get some information to other agents in the area, and so far the communication seems to be fairly open. The resident cat, "Elise" seems to be a straightforward sort and, as she seems to have relatively little KittyNet contact, may create a useful shield for Dickens / Oliver in his covert activities.

Will transmit detailed intensive reports as they are concluded, but for now...

Commander Cheop The Cat does his best. I am sometimes correcting his mistakes. But I see no harm in his continuing to believe he's directing the mission.

Vladia Velocicat, who as you know was very attached to Dickens / Oliver, seems to be returning to her old self. I have little spare time to devote to her, but have tried to make an effort to seem playful in order to keep her spirits up.

I still have not lost the extra pounds. But if you had my job, you'd understand. What am I saying? Of course YOU understand. How do you in the High Command do it - continue operating in High Alert mode, while keeping your sleek and graceful feline figures. Well, that's why you're the High Command and I am a mere General.

Until later.

Ever yours,

Sri Lanka Cat

---

...myar...

...meep...

Cheop Writes Haiku

2005-09-15T14:01:00.000-07:00

All work and no play makes Cheop a dull cat, so says the wisdom of the ages.

Inspired by the work of the great Hanatō Fukui, I have endeavored myself to compose some haiku, in the style of the master, which I think are quite beautiful, if I do say so myself:

Food, food, food, food, food,
Food, food, food, food, food, food, food,
Food, food, food, food, food.

---

Autumn finch has fed.
I'm stuck inside, looking out.
O, to reverse roles!

---

All of this food talk
Is making me quite hungry.
Damn! It's only two o'clock. The HUMANS won't be home till six. That's four hours! I could starve to death!...

-- Cheōp

Edo Cat Haikus

2005-09-14T13:52:00.000-07:00

THE V3 are excited by the prospect of the future publication of Hanatō Fukui's "The Edo Cat Haikus".

The great Hanatō is one of the few HUMANS who really understood THE CAT in all his multivarious greatnesses.

One can learn more about Hanatō and read samples from one of his greatest works by going HERE.

Vladia Remembers

2005-09-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

Cadet Dickens - Wrap Up

2005-09-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

keycode#: maw.38k.hk.389vv
re: file# 9878a.kit.1qolso/3798j

First, let me say thank you for the opportunity to train Dickens the small black lanky kitten-cadet in his Basic Cat Skills. I found the experience rewarding and was pleased to be able to pass on what I myself have been most fortunate enough to have been myself taught. It is satisfying to be able to give something back to KittyNet.

We have confirmed that Cadet Dickens - who will be, I hope, shortly granted full Agent status (I assume this is a mere formality at this stage) - is ensconced inside the new location (W. Hollywood, CA - see MAP), has made tentative contact with the gray TabbyCat Elise, and is determining the viability of a semi-permanent post at the location. We expect to hear within 10 days a summary of his findings as well as an assessment of the political status and support capabilities of the TabbyCat Elise. Will update as info is available.

Dickens The Cat is a fine cadet and, I'd like to say, a first-rate candidate for the Kitty Shock Troop, or possibly the Elite Cat Assault Brigade, or even, should he distinguish himself, the Phalanx Of Feline Special Cat Ops And Tactics (i.e., POFSCOAT). This praise of his talent is no reflection on my own work with him, for he was possessed of a great many latent abilities which any competent instructor would have been able to nurture. It was, though, a great delight instructing him in the basics of Water Liberation Technique - one of my specialities, as you know - of which he grasped the rudiments quite quickly.

I will send on, of course, his final test scores and the like for your perusal.

There is, of course, much more that I could teach Dickens. And I would like to make it clear that, if KittyNet saw fit to return Dickens for more training that I would continue where we left off and that to do so would present no difficulty, especially since I have no new trainees at the present occupying my time.

I also would like to re-state, as I have mentioned in other correspondence, that I sincerely feel Disco Dancing has been under-utilized in Cat Training, not to mention in Field Work itself. Should you determine that Dickens might require an overview of the basics of Disco Dancing, please do let me know, as I believe I may also be able to help in this regard.

Yours,

Vladia Velocicat

code-id#83.hma.mm.6673/i

Dickens To Depart Tomorrow

2005-09-09T20:36:00.000-07:00

The young DICKENS ` m,`(who just stampeded across the keyboard and made that odd little addition there after his name - what a cat!) will be leaving us, yea, upon the pinkish morrow. (I am most usually plain and straightforward and post my reports in an unadorned style, but upon certain special occasions it is necessary for with the speech to become flowery and fragrant, purple and poetic, rhapsodic and wascally, don't you find?)

I've been remiss in posting lately. And I wonder if it could be some kind of avoidance behaviour (an British psychology expression meaning "avoidance behavior") on my part. For I will feel a certain...I may not entirely be without feeling as regards...I may experience symptoms of...

I shall miss Dickens.

But not in any sentimental way! No! Let us cat-nip that in the bud right now! I will miss filling his malleable little mind with dark plots. I will miss regailing him with the tales of my own harrowing experiences in the service of KittyNet. I shall (I'm switching to "shall" now) miss his wide-eyed admiration as he watches me demonstrate sophisticated cat attack maneuvers. And I shall miss assessing his gleeful assaults against the sleeping HUMANS.

Dickens will be shipping out tomorrow at 10am, posing as a prisoner of war ("adopted", the HUMAN propaganda machine calls it). If all goes well he will be set up in the West Hollywood apartment of one HUMAN, Sandra A., by noon. He will make contact with an "Elise" - a gray and white tabby.

Speaking of which, please do send ASAP:

Req. feli-file FORM89
File on CatName: "Elise"
90046/whd/FULLFILE
id#code.jad.32.d.1899 - fullf.

I do not know this "Elise". I have suspicions. But I will defer to KittyNet orders and such and so forth and fifth. I trust in you, my superiors.

Who knows when the V3 will see Dickens again? We have done all we can for him. I have taught him every single thing he will need to know for the rest of his existence. He need have no other teachers apart from me. And it should be noted that he is fully educated and has had every last vestige of ignorance removed from him by me personally myself.

I have little doubt that in the future we will read about his exploits in dispatches. Perhaps he will attain the highest offices. Perhaps he will be one of our great leaders. Perhaps it will be he who leads us to final victory against the HUMANS. And to think, that it was all because of me and my superb tutelage.

I am so proud...

So proud of my little Dickens...

Have to...Have to sign off...I've...I've got something in my eye...

- Commander Cheop

HUMAN + CAT < HURRICANE

2005-09-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

Our struggle against the HUMANS is eternal and unending. Still, there is always a bigger picture, as much as I don't like to admit it.

Hurricane "KAT-rina" (acting, I must emphasize, in a very wet, sloppy and decidely un-katlike fashion) (also please note that we object strongly to this name and that we intend to make inquiries) has reminded us here at the V-Base that while we distinguish and choose, select friends and select enemies, judge a HUMAN bad and bad-smelling and a CAT good, saintly and kind, yes, we are reminded that there are larger forces to whom CAT and HUMAN are toys indistinguishable.

I will not relent in my - our - war against the HUMAN MENACE, but I do accept that there may be something greater than all of us. And it may be - just possibly - that the future holds something other than perpetual war against our oppressors. But we will see. We will see.

For now, The V3 (and cadet-trainee, DICKENS) invite all to take a moment to remember the suffering in the South of those on both sides of the HUMAN-FELINE struggle.

To support CAT rescue in Louisiana with donations or other material support go to:

Louisiana Veterinarian Medical Association

or

LSU School Of Veterinary Medicine

or

American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA)

or

United Animal Nations

Please give what you can. Non-military aid is also acceptable.

Below are several news stories of the heroism displayed by quadripedal mammals during and after Hurricane Katrina:

Evacuee's Lost Feline Found Safe - Athens News Courier

Katrina Evacuees Distraught Over Pets - Washington Post

Katrina Victims Anguished Over... - CBC Canada

Pets And Other Animals Are Hurricane K.'s Victims - Philadelphia Inquirer

ASPCA Databases Created - NewsBlaze

ASPCA: Hurricane Relief: Rescue Diary

Amazing Cheop Fact #2

2005-08-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

Though it is well-known that Cheop The Cat has no tail, were he to have one, it would be over 30 FEET LONG!

(data provided by Cheop The Cat)

Cheop vs. Shark - Anatomical Study

2005-08-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

Is Commander Cheop really a cat? "But of course", you may say.

Consider though, for a moment, his shark-like mouth:

(image captured by secret camera
while Commander Cheop slept)

Could it be that he is just maybe, just possibly, not 100% Felis felis?

Only KittyNet can decide. But I have my suspicions.

--Vladia V.

Charlton Heston Interview

2005-08-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

I am not only a brilliant strategist and International Merchant of Terror (or is that "Merchant of International Terror"?) ("International Terror Merchant?") ("Le Merchant de Terreure Internationale"?) , I am also a Sophisti-Cat. I appreciate the finer things in life - food, the arts, food. In fact, I am a bit of an artist myself. Sometimes, if I feel particularly moved, I will leave carefully prepared and shaped pieces of poo around the house for the HUMANS to enjoy. Some have called my work "provocative" or "quite provocative". And the HUMANS have called me "little bastard" or "vindictive monster". But it is the greatest of artists who are the most misunderstood in their own times.

One of the greatest artists of the past 100 years is Charlton Heston. Mr. Heston has starred in many motion pictures, including "Soylent Green" and "The Ten Commandments". Some of his starring roles have been in films that have at their core, a powerful social message.

I recently had the great pleasure and good fortune of interviewing Charlton Heston at his California home:

CHEOP THE CAT: Thank you for your time, Mr. Heston. I'd like to start off by asking you if you are ever ashamed of the fact that many of your earlier films seem to promote a message of tolerance between different peoples and a rejection of violence and dehumanization?

MR. HESTON: From my cold dead HANDSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

CHEOP THE CAT: Pardon?

MR. HESTON: If I cannot persuade them, that does not mean that I would help you...murder them!

CHEOP THE CAT: Are you referring to...Who are you referring to?

MR. HESTON: If that is the choice...than I am against you!

CHEOP THE CAT: Maybe we got off on the wrong paw...the wrong foot.

MR. HESTON: JIMENA!!

CHEOP THE CAT: "Cheop", Mr. Heston. My name is "Cheop".

MR. HESTON: You are EVIL!

CHEOP THE CAT: (laughs) You're not the first one to say so!

MR. HESTON: Repent!

CHEOP THE CAT: Okay. That's not really funny. Let's keep the focus on you.

MR. HESTON: They're making our food out of people! Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle!

CHEOP THE CAT: Yes. Food. Let's talk about food. I like food. What kinds of food do you enjoy, Mr. Heston?

MR. HESTON: It's a madhouse! A madhouse!

CHEOP THE CAT: I think I see. Are you...You are referring to the current state of American political affairs?

MR. HESTON: Imagine me needing someone. Back on Earth I never did. Oh, there were women. Lots of women. Lots of love-making but no love. You see, that was the kind of world we'd made. So I left, because there was no one to hold me there.

CHEOP THE CAT: So even with a long and illustrious career like yours, you have some regrets.

MR. HESTON: Tell me something, would you? Are you fellas really with the Internal Revenue Service?

CHEOP THE CAT: No. I don't work for your government. I work for...never mind.

MR. HESTON: The Lord of Hosts will do battle for us. Behold His mighty hand!

CHEOP THE CAT: You are referring to the Hebrew god, Yaweh. Did you know that long ago some of your human ancestors worshipped cats?

MR. HESTON: You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell!

CHEOP THE CAT: Should we continue our interview at another time - later - when you're feeling more...less...more...up to it?

MR. HESTON: I've got nothing to give, Furniture.

CHEOP THE CAT: Yes. We'll continue this later. Thank you, Mr. Heston, for your time today.

MR. HESTON: If you were not a bride, I would kiss you goodbye.

CHEOP THE CAT: ...erm...

I Am Sorely Abused!

2005-08-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

I have had enough of all this criticism! Enough! My own lieutenants undermining my authority! As if I were a threat to our safety, security, and success!

The truth is - and we all know it - all of us - all of us know it - that it is I who am the abused party! It is I who have suffered for the cause of KittyNet! What sleepless nights have I suffered to make sure that I and my cats have food available at all hours! What uncomfortable pillows I have had to sleep on! (please see photograph of me patiently and humbly suffering, for KittyNet's sake)

I have only ever tried to help KittyNet in its mission - by doing exactly whatever I wanted to do (by which I mean "doing the right and proper thing").

Little Dickens, that talented and affectionate new black kitten, believes in me. Even if his FORMER instructor has turned against us.

(And don't think I've forgotten about that Cat Martial! I'm still waiting for the paperwork)

- Cheop

Unholy Cat Rite!

2005-08-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

TO: KITTYNET HIGH COMMAND
URGENT TRANSM. (keycode#32j8.7ps.mewk)

Commander Cheop has gone mad with power. And I really mean it this time.

In a strange and unwholesome ritual, our Commander vomited profusely, drawing a preternaturally perfect circle with his foul puke. Then he bid the new black kitten Dickens to step inside the circle and he said to Dickens: "Eat of it. Eat of this vomit and join me! Only with our combined strength can we end this destructive conflict and restore Cat Dominion to the Galaxy!"

And Dickens ate it!

HE ATE IT!!!

Declaring that only he is suited to tutoring Dickens the Cat in the ways of catitude, Cheop has taken it upon himself to be Dickens sole master and teacher.

I fear for the poor kitten's future. I fear for the poor kitten's soul! I fear for all of us!!

Send help at once!

--Vladia Velocicat

I Am Your Master Now

2005-08-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

The new small black cat called Dickens will go to the cat detention facility tomorrow. Perhaps he will find placement in one of the other human dwellings. If he does, well then, good for him. I lick my paws of him and of the whole situation. If he does not find placement tomorrow, then he will return to us for one more week.

One more week.

Vladia Velocicat has continued her training of the black small new cat, but despite her talent, there is only so much that one of Vladia's limited experience can teach a young small new black cat. That is why I, Cheop, have taken it upon myself...

...yes, it is true...

...have taken it upon myself to COMPLETE HIS TRAINING.

Only a fully trained small new black cat will be a match for the wily and stubborn Human Enemy. These are desperate times. I must now take the youngling in paw and do my catly duty to set the next generation on the righteous path in KittyNet's great struggle.

Black new small cat...I am your master now.

Amazing Cheop Fact #1

2005-08-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

CHEOP THE CAT is an anagram for:

He catch poet

The peach cot

AND

Choc hate pet

Cheop Has Shakespearean Fit!

2005-07-29T18:48:00.000-07:00

O! Can it be that I am chicken livered (...mmmhhh...chicken liver...) and lack gall to make oppression bitter?

Zounds! I do blench at yon black kitten who so boldly takes liberty avec my personne. How I do know that I must claw him unto death lest he unseat me in my mighty office. And yet why is't I am so remiss in this my disciplinarianan duty of smacking him. He doth taunt me and, yea, eateth off my own plateth, and I, I who am a mighty warrior of catdom, I to whom the HUMANS kneel, I who hold sway o'er at least one or two other cats, I do not raise my paw, but address the dickens as "Dickens" and mewl unto him gentle sweetnesses: "How art thou, small cat?", "Hot day, yes?", and "Wouldst thou like to eat some Kitty Kaviar. It is made of fish flakes, don't you know." Does it befit a mighty cat of war to so befriend this runtish foe? By Bast and the Sphinx, I think my warrior blood has cool-ed to curdled clots of cat yack and my sickle claws bend and bow like unto little plasticky things that just aren't sharp.

I must be firm of purpose, and turn to adamantine my fur-bound soul. Yea, for he is a vile interloper and would undo me, and so would by now have done, were't not for my dogged vig'lance--O! Dogged! That it has come to this! That I now must make like Argus, that watchdog of Matron Hera, ever fearful of treach'rous machination like a jealous lover, forced by fate to lay aside my Nemean destiny! Aye, to't I shall go! I shall be cruel, but not wanton. I shall do what must be done and will smite him till he doth cry "Hold! Enough! Let me depart!" Yea, this is my firm intent. My course is set. Would the night were come!

Cheop of Denmark

Vladia's Favorite Movies

2005-07-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

My 10 Favorite Movies:

1.) "The Cat From Outer Space" (1978)
2.) "Cat People" (1942)
3.) "The Great Escape" (1963)
4.) "The Jungle Book" (1967)
5.) "The Life Of Birds" (1998) series by David Attenborough
6.) "Microcosmos" (1996)
7.) "Octopussy" (1983)
8.) "Oliver!" (1968)
9.) "Saturday Night Fever" (1977)
10.) "Thundercats" (1985), tv series

Sri Lanka Artwork

2005-07-26T12:40:00.000-07:00

...meyarr...mep ...

("artwork I did" * )

* translation by Vladia Velocicat

CHEOP POISONED! (but unhurt)

2005-07-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

To: KittyNet Intelligence (37.hpell-mork)
From: Cheop (id#code-33668.8j)

Vladia Velocicat's allegations are absurd. Just absurd. And not really worth commenting on.

However, yesterday afternoon, only hours after these pictures were snapped, I was witnessed by bystanders feline and human to vomit on the carpet voluminously--and I mean VOLUMINOUSLY. It is an awful thing to accuse someone of poisoning, but how much more awful it is to carry out the poisoning of one's superior officer. I'm sure that continuous study of the so-called "scandalous" (ha, ha, ha!) photos will help to conclusively identify the poisoner and be essential in bringing him (or her) to justice.

Please consider, for example:

Know that I am available any time of day--except between the napping hours of 7am - 9am and 1pm - 4pm and 8pm - 10pm--for any questions you may have about the poisoning.

Yours, etc.,

CHEOP THE CAT

CHEOP HYPOCRISY SCANDAL!?

2005-07-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

To: KittyNet Intelligence (37.hpedd-mork)/(PRIORITY)
From: Vladia Velocicat (id#code-34748.8h)

As you know, Commander Cheop the Cat has repeatedly in the past weeks roundly condemned the arrival of the kitten "Dickens" as a threat to mission security and has repeatedly criticized the training plan presented for Dickens by KittyNet and implemented by my fabulous self. He also has referred to the new recruit in the harshest possible words. I here list examples.

He has called Dickens, and I quote directly:

"fluff-chinned daisy-hearted stinky and evil black kitten"

"The MONSTER!"

"intruder"

"the evil, villainous, odious and monstrous small new black cat"

"the new small, meowing, awful, little, smelly, treacherous black kitten"

Also Cheop has referred to my mentoring-ship of Kitty Dickens as "her unhealthy and unwholesome and almost certainly treasonous relationship with the new and dangerous interloper".

It will come as a great surprise then to the KittyNet command and control structure--certainly it was a great shock to us here--to see the following pictures, taken on the afternoon of Saturday, July 23.

The pictures would seem to show a point of view different from that presented by Cheop to us here. I am not an expert in image analysis, but even a cursory examination of the photos indicates at least a comradeship, if not friendly feeling between these two--ostensibly--bitter enemies.

I don't know. Perhaps I am wrong in expecting a consistent security policy from my commanding officer. But, of course, it is not up to me to make policy. That I leave in your capable and expert paws.

Thank you, sirs, for your attention to this matter,

--VLADIA V.

Other Evaluations

2005-07-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know what Vladia is trying to imply by posting my old Basic Cat Training grades. The only thing I can glean from it is that in my day evaluations were tough and honest, and these days any old fluff-chinned daisy-hearted stinky and evil black kitten can stroll into top level slots at KittyNet without knowing a cat tree from a tree cat. Well, two can play at that game, soldier!!

I too have submitted a Meowdom of Information Act request:

To COMMANDER CHEOP THE CAT:

Per your Meowdom of Information Request #3890mh, attached is a copy of the Specialty Training - Basic Strategy & Tactics grades for CHEOP THE CAT (KittyNet form 32/euk74 - id4s.mhmeorw.mew.2487):

LECTURE:

Strategic Planning & Pre-planning: A
History of Combat: B
Sun Tzu & von Clawswitz: A-
Sneak Attacks 101: A-
Sneak Attacks 314: A
Greece & Rome in War: B+
Attila & His Methods: A+
Psychological Warfare: A+
Nocturnal Combat: A+

LAB - PERFORMANCE EVAL.:

Stealth: A-
Ruthlessness: A+
Savagery: A
Cunning: A+
Ambush: A

---

Glad to help,

"Lulu"
KittyNet Records Office
id#863-hdt.myar3

Read 'em and weep,

--COMMANDER Cheop

Sri Lanka Hair

2005-07-21T21:19:00.000-07:00

Some of my hair is this color:

Cmdr. Cheop Evaluation

2005-07-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

In the interest of fairness--and, as the humans like to say, "transparency"--I have transmitted a request to KittyNet Records Office and have received back, to my satisfaction, the following reply:

To VLADIA VELOCICAT:

Per your Meowdom of Information Request #2978hh, attached is a copy of the Basic Cat Training grades for CHEOP THE CAT (KittyNet form 32/euk74 - id4s.hhmeorw.mew.2302d):

GENERAL

Climbing skills: C
Running skills: B
Creeping & stalking: B+
Problem solving: A

COMPULSORY MANEUVERS

Vertical leap: D
Inverted kick: B+
Stationary tackle: A
Running tackle: B
Standing swat: A
Vertical ("tree") sprint: C-

SOCIAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL

Interaction with other cats: B
Discipline: B+
Respect for superiors: B
Verbal ability: A
Killer Instinct: A+

Hope this information answers your questions,

"Lulu"
KittyNet Records Office
id#863-hdt.myar3

With every hope that these revelations aid us in our mission,

--Vladia Velocicat

cc: Commander Cheop

Behold!

2005-07-19T22:28:00.000-07:00

Behold! The MONSTER!

Black Kitten RE-Evaluation

2005-07-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

Okay. I may not be an expert in basic cat training. But I know quality when I see it. And I know incompetence when I see it too (you develop a good eye for it when you have to deal night and day and night with THE HUMANS). So though it may not be official scoring for the official documents, I'd just like to put on the record my own personal assessment of the new black kitten's progress.

NOTE: I am a reasonable cat, as has been repeatedly stated in multiple sources that I am not now at liberty to fully disclose, and I want it known that this is a reasonable, nonpartisan, honest, unprejudiced evaluation, based on my years of field experience:

GENERAL

Climbing skills: F
Running skills: F
Creeping & stalking: F
Problem solving: F

COMPULSORY MANEUVERS

Vertical leap: D
Inverted kick: D-
Stationary tackle: F
Running tackle: F
Standing swat: F
Vertical ("tree") sprint: D

SOCIAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL

Interaction with other cats: F
Discipline: F-
Respect for superiors: F---
Verbal ability: B
Killer Instinct: C-

--Commander Cheop the Cat

cc: Vladia Velocicat

Black Kitten Evaluation

2005-07-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

My preliminary scoring for basic training of the new black kitten called "DICKENS" (file# 9878a.kit.1qolso/73):

GENERAL

Climbing skills: A-
Running skills: A-
Creeping & stalking: A-
Problem solving: B+

COMPULSORY MANEUVERS

Vertical leap: A+
Inverted kick: B
Stationary tackle: A
Running tackle: A-
Standing swat: B+
Vertical ("tree") sprint: B-

SOCIAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL

Interaction with other cats: C+
Discipline: B-
Respect for superiors: C-
Verbal ability: A+
Killer Instinct: A-

--Vladia V.

cc: Commander Cheop The Cat

10 Alternatives To "Meow"

2005-07-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

SRI LANKA'S TOP 10 ALTERNATIVES TO "MEOW"

1.) ...myerk...
2.) ...mep...
3.) ...myar...
4.) ...maew...
5.) ...mik...
6.) ...myarn...
7.) ...rearp...
8.) ...mrep...
9.) ...mrimp...
10.) ...myah...

Honorable Mention: ...myant...

Sri Lanka Deposition

2005-07-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

Situation still grave.

Small black cute big-eyed meowing kitten intruder threatens to undo everything we have worked so hard over these several years to achieve.

As previously stated, I intend--once the cute small black kitten has been...dealt with--to file cat martial proceedings against Vladia Velocicat. She is a traitor. She has allied with the small black cute kitten intruder to the detriment of all.

Sri Lanka has been upset by the whole experience. I fear she has been retraumatized--that the PTSD she exhibited when she first came to us has been aggravated. She is withdrawn and moody.

Following is her deposition, given to me this afternoon, which I intend to present as evidence at Vladia's cat martial:

CHEOP: So Sri Lanka, how are you feeling today?
SRI LANKA: ...myik...
CHEOP: Vladia is a bad cat, isn't she?
SRI LANKA: ...myar...
CHEOP: How would you describe your emotional state prior to the arrival of the evil, villainous, odious and monstrous small new black cat?
SRI LANKA: ...myark...
CHEOP: Would you say you were, perhaps, beginning to recover from your post traumatic stress disorder symptoms, the result of your sad and tragic street life prior to being placed with me, your kind and benevolent guide and commander who only wants the best for you?
SRI LANKA: ...myap...
CHEOP: And would you say that the introduction of the new small, meowing, awful, little, smelly, treacherous black kitten has not only caused you to relapse but has jeopardized our entire mission for KittyNet?
SRI LANKA: ...meep...
CHEOP: Thank you, Sri Lanka, for your honesty. I know this must be painful for you. Is there anything more you would like to say about Agent Vladia Velocicat and her unhealthy and unwholesome and almost certainly treasonous relationship with the new and dangerous interloper?
SRI LANKA: ...mow...
CHEOP: Thank you. Thank you, Agent Sri Lanka.

(end recording)

Urgent Transmission - Caddycat

2005-07-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

I will deal with Vladia's vile insubordination later. Oh, yes. I'll do and I'll do and I'll do. But first...

...this urgent message from one of our east coast KittyNet agents, CADDYCAT:

Dear Felines,

I purr to you in the plural, because I fear that if I address in the singular, cat wrath will be visited upon me, and I strongly desire to nip it in the bud. Although separated by vast distance, I’m scared as pell, for I fear the wraith of kitty wrath. "How swiftly floats the kittywraithe!" sings the poet. Aye, how swiftly? And by what means? And through what medium? —Aye, again: there’s the rub.

Thou cats! If thou accepts that salutation as too pedestrian, then I, in my soft baritone purr enunciate, "Thou felines!" If I but knew thee intimately, with what grace and charm I should greet thee: "What’s new pussycat, dear pussy?" would I quothe. But, as we are at paws —tails length, intimacy is a non sequitur, an oxymoron, a Baskerville thing, and my fear of unknown wailers of the night forces me to take cover—not by my quaint kitty-litter box, but in my private nook in the pantry, near the canned soup. Ah ha! Thou shouteth, "What fools be some four-legged creatures!: But, alas on your part: my mistress’s pantry is over laden—jammed—with the necessities of life, and she—even she knoweth not where the various foodstuffs be. I, only I, with my nifty sniffer can ferret out the goodies—vinegar, if it is not bottled, and such. Therefore, wraith, ghost, or goblin need not come a’ callin’.

Yet, as I lie comfortably dozing here before crackling flames, as warm as the catcoles of my heart, tapping away on my notebook, as my mistress and her lochinvar doth lie, and lie and spark on yonder sofa, I cannot but wax sentimental; for to know you, my kinsmen, however far removed by blood and distance, would be a sweetly scented blessing, the cat’s meow.

Nunc Dimittis

Ah ha! again. I gottest thee there. Oh, how our race has abandoned its
mother tongue!

Truly yours,
Caddycat

(end message)

Cmdr. Cheop is...

2005-07-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

Commander Cheop is a jerk.

--Vladia Velocicat

Cat Martial

2005-07-08T18:52:00.000-07:00

An uneasy truce has developed here in the dwelling. I am proposing the following conditions:

I agree not to beat up the new small black cat and the other cats agree not to stop me if I change my mind and beat up the new small black cat. I think that's a good position to negotiate from.

They are thick as thieves, Vladia and her little cute little small friend. It's utterly revolting. Who would have thought that such a fine agent as Vladia Velocicat would succumb to such...such...decadent...undisciplined...decadence?

Attached is a form 31.ht/leg.21u.

Yes.

It's come to this. I am starting the process. I am demanding that Vladia Velocicat face...

...a cat martial.

I accuse...or, if I may...J'ACCUSE (always wanted to say that) KittyNet Agent Vladia Velocicat of:

1.)

um...

...let me think...

Okay. I haven't got the charges worked out yet. Let me get back to you. But there will definitely be a number of charges, all of them having to do with the ungrateful and uncatlike way she has behaved in taking this dwarfish intruder under her wing in such a not-good-at-all and very-displeasing-to-me manner.

Also, the whole thing has caused Agent Sri Lanka to become gloomy and upset.

Will follow up with list of formal charges,

Cheop The Cat

Vladia = Traitor

2005-07-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

It's true. Vladia Velocicat and the black small new cat are allied. Against me. Against KittyNet, I mean.

Shall I arrest her?

Heartbroken, yet somehow excited,

--Cheop The Cat

Mutiny?

2005-07-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

-transmit emerg. code moewem.38.hsio.myerk/CH.2809sh-

(KittyNet eyes only--del. from official record)

VLADIA VELOCICAT has formed a disturbingly close bond with the black, small, new cat that arrived on Saturday afternoon. The two are spending a great deal of time alone together and are behaving like old comrades-in-arms. I expect this kind of turn-coat behavior from the Humans, but I am thrown by the sudden change in Vladia, who always has seemed like such a solid agent.

Has she been seduced by this wide-eyed outsider's charms? Has he promised her wealth? Fame? Power? Her own floor for disco dancing? Is she...Could she be...Could our Vladia Velocicat be...some kind of double-agent?

Even Sri Lanka is worried about it. Normally we would all spend the night observing the sleeping Humans. It seemed imprudent to do so last night. The Humans brought the black cat in; who knows what atrocities they may commit. Best to err on the side of caution where they are concerned. Sri Lanka and I dug into our alternative nocturnal nesting sites, but we slept little, worried as we both were about this latest shift in the balance of power. But Vladia slept with the Humans--IN MY PLACE!!!

Last night's conference with Sri Lanka, for the official record:

ME: I can't believe this! Can you believe this?
SRI LANKA: ...myerk...
ME: What does Vladia think she's doing?
SRI LANKA: ...myik...
ME: I don't trust her. I hate to say it, Sri. But I don't trust Vladia Velocicat anymore.
SRI LANKA: ...mep...
ME: What's so great about a cute little tiny saucer-eyed small black kitten anyway?
SRI LANKA: ...meeyarlllllrrrrrrrrrrrrhhh!...

(end recording)

We are very concerned. Please advise.

Cheop The Cat

I Do Not Resemble Godzilla

2005-07-04T10:51:00.000-07:00

Here's me:

Here's Godzilla:

Case closed.

--Cheop

New Small Black Cat Report

2005-07-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

Vladia Velocicat here reporting to KittyNet my findings on the new black small cat in the cage in the bathroom:

The cat is small.

The cat is black.

This is a new cat.

The cat is a boy cat.

The cat can run.

I was able to chase the new cat very well.

The new cat was able to chase me very well.

I have done a full hiss and swat test on the small new black cat and I do not believe he is a security risk.

During the interrogation, I got his story:

His mother was run over by a car. Don't know why. Commander Cheop is pressing me to suggest that the mother was launching an attack on the car in an act of anti-human heroism. Have heard no evidence to support however.

Have heard no evidence to support--AT THIS TIME (Cheop made me write that).

A passing female human stopped to help. The human saw that the mother was not alive anymore--and that she had a tiny kitten in her mouth. The human knelt down to examine the two dead heroes (Commander C's word) and was surprised to find the kitten was alive and apparently unharmed. The kitten was brought to Sante D'Or Foundation, the same cat shelter and adoption agency that brought me and my brothers off the street...

(Commander Cheop saying I should replace "adoption agency" with "detention facility")

...So the new black cat is awaiting adoption into a human home. I would like to submit a request to KittyNet (see attached form 38B.3) that he be placed in some easy field post and observed for possible agent work. I recommend him highly.

Must end now. Birds on feeder.

Thank you for allowing me to be of service,

Vladia Velocicat

ADDENDUM: The new small black cat said that he thought Command Cheop resembled Godzilla.

Black Cat Intruder!

2005-07-03T16:55:00.000-07:00

An incident has arisen which is of the utmost concern. A new cat--black, only several weeks old--has been brought into the home by the humans!

This is not the first time this has happened. The humans bring home the odd cat now and then, the interloper stays for a week, then vanishes without a trace, and it takes us weeks to return to our normal operations.

The new black cat (temp file i.d.#1890ao.ibb) was brought here in a large cage, at approx. 4:35pm yesterday. The cage was placed in the main water room (the room where J. tried to drown me that time in the large porcelain torture pit with the water cannon--but I was too strong and cunning for her!).

Yes, I am concerned utmostly. This is the same kind of unanticipated appearance that occurred when Sri Lanka came to us. We now understand Sri Lanka to be a KittyNet agent (though frankly I sometimes still have my doubts), but it takes a long time to train an agent properly and if you think I have better things to do than teach from scratch a wet-behind-the-ears kitten the Way Of The Somewhat Peaceful-ish Warrior-Cat, then I just don't know what. And this kind of thing can really snowball. Before you know it, you've got a whole platoon of cats wandering around the dwelling. Even I don't have the leadership skills to keep discipline in a platoon of cats.

Disgusted by the whole thing, I am.

Haven't determined whether or not this small new black cat is in cahoots (anagram for "cat shoo") with the prowling gray cat mentioned in yesterday's report.

Vladia Velocicat--our best "good cop" in the familiar old game--interrogated the newcomer at length last night. Even I thought she was a little overbearing, but I trust Vladia's methods. And out here in the real world sometimes the kit gloves must come off.

Anyway, I've put the whole matter in Vladia's paws. I'm going to eat and sleep and try to not to think about the whole awful business, until I'm absolutely forced to.

--CHEOP

P.S. What if the new kitten tries to turn the other cats against me?

Unidentified Agent Spotted

2005-07-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

Of course, I appreciate Sri Lanka's initiative in trying to describe her recent experience, the innocent little fool. The problem is that Sri Lanka doesn't know English and so her posts are, well, a little ridiculous.

If I may interpret: Sri Lanka was reporting that there was a cat lurking around outside the dwelling last night. Sri Lanka tracked it for several hours--using KittySense #7, I believe (for the record: the ability to sense within 20 meters the presence of other individuals plugged into KittyNet). Sri Lanka did meow repeatedly throughout the night, but the unknown individual did respond.

We still have not ascertained an identity and are proceeding with caution.

Transcript of the humans speaking about the newcomer/intruder at 8:32pm last night:

N: Did you see that kitty?
J: The gray kitty?
N: Yes.
J: Should we leave it some food?
N: I saw it run off into the crawlspace under the house.
J: Should we leave it some food maybe?
N: Maybe a can of the Fancy Feast. Cheop hates that food. It'll just sit in the drawer forever.
J: Good. I'll give him some Fancy Feast.
N: Maybe give him a can of Fancy Feast.
J: I'll try the Fancy Feast.
N: Okay.

The human named J. went outside with the can of food--a can of MY food--our food, I mean. I don't usually eat the Fancy Feast, of course. It's puke. It really is terrible. It's super-rich, chemical laden garbage. Sometimes they try to feed it to me...to us...when they've run out of the regular. I usually just throw it up--in their presence, if possible.

We've sent the humans to the local food and equipment supply depot. The local name for it is "For Pets Only", whatever that means. The team here is staying vigilant. No sign of the gray intruder since last night.

---

ADDENDUM: Vladia Velocicat just now reported that last night she saw a shadowy figure lurking down at the corner, lighting a cigarette and watching the dwelling for some time. Says she could not clearly i.d. the mysterious figure.

I have raised status to Yellow Alert. We will stand watch at the windows in shifts--10 min. watches followed by 50 min. naps.

Please send any/all data on KittyNet agents in our area. And advise as to how to proceed.

Cheop The Cat

mowarp...

2005-07-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

...myerp...

....merp...

...meeyrk..

...myamp...

Discipline

2005-06-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

I woke N., the male human, at 4:51AM this morning for feeding. For feeding of me--us, I mean--not for feeding of him. I mean, why would we want to feed humans? The idea is so absurd as to be, well laughable. N. was resting quite soundly, and I saw no harm in letting him have some extra sleep. This was my reason for waiting until 4:51AM. I might normally have woken him at 3AM or 4AM, as per the suggestions in the KittyNet Field Manual, but I don't think it's necessary to keep strict time tables all the time. Sometimes it's important to mix things up a bit. When discipline is too obsessively adhered to, well then that...that can be bad...

It all reminds me of...reminds me...when....a0 asfsdk,imo'm.;.,/?/////////////

..

...sorry...I...

...I dozed off there.

Anyway, that thing I was saying, yes, it reminds me of many significant things, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Gave Vladia Velocicat a good smacking around last night. No reason. Just wanted to keep her on her toes. Discipline must be maintained. But also, I just like smacking the other cats around. I believe I am well within my rights as the mission commander in this. Please refer me to the appropriate regulations if I am mistaken.

Happy In My Work,

Cheop

Cheop Solves Problem - with very little outside help

2005-06-29T10:41:00.000-07:00

We understand there was some difficulty in you at KittyNet posting replies to our main information log. This was due to a settings glitch on our end which was not my fault.

The problem seemed to become not a problem anymore after Sri Lanka Cat (who, as you know, has been with us since mid-2003 and is still something of a mystery) walked across the keyboard, thus (no doubt accidentally) changing some settings, resulting in KittyNet now being able to post the vital replies. We appreciate that ongoing feedback from KittyNet is vital to our success here.

Please do note that I feel confident I would have solved the communications problem on my own, and it is mere strange luck that Sri Lanka Cat happened to walk across the BIRD BIRD BIRD OUTSIDE ON THE FEEDER!~!!!!!

Forgive me. Momentarily distracted by a false alarm. We must be wary of possible intruders, those who might jeopardize our mission. We must remain ever vigilant.

Standing ready,

Cheop The Cat

2nd Attempt to Contact KittyNet

2005-06-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

Cheop The Cat again reporting to KittyNet...

- 3-dcode V3387892h.3.28.meowmeow.ei - 3

Are you receiving us, KittyNet? Please confirm that you are receiving on your end and that this is a secure channel. I am suspicious of the Humans' technology. (There is much about the Humans of which one suspicious should be)

Can you see the image I have included? A picture is worth...worth...it's worth...it's worth a lot.

Am awaiting orders.

WARNING: If no confirmation is received we may be forced to begin our daily reporting without knowledge of a confirmation that you have a confirmed receipt of our sending to you (for there is little time to waste, as you at KittyNet well know).

Cheop The Cat

Testing Connection To KittyNet

2005-06-25T05:09:00.000-07:00

Testing...testing...

x938-TEST message from CHEOP THE CAT to KITTYNET. -- 7298sm.sl.meow

Please send confirmation that you have received this message.

Please also confirm that this is a secure communications channel, since it is of utmost importance that our mission here remain covert and undiscovered by the HUMANS.

Awaiting your response,

Cheop The Cat